Freitag, 18. Mai 2007


I met a man in the street, locked away for things he hadn’t done. He was innocent and young, looked a lot like me. So I followed him into the streets and as he ran, I kept on his heels. I can’t say why and for how long, but I felt it, it was so strong. He was me and I was him, he thought like me, and my guesses were his. There was a link between us, it drew me to him, which let me follow him, through the darkness of the city, into the madness that we discovered.

The city was a bulk of big fat stones, thrown into the land, and we were the mice, that fled through the labyrinth. At a corner he was catching his breath and as I stepped closer, his eyes searched mine. For what, I don’t know, but I guess he hadn’t found what he was looking for. He shook his head, spat at the ground and waited what I had to say. Myself short of breath, from the running, just kept silent. In the end it was him, who spoke first.

“So you found me?” Just like that. There was no name, no introduction. Just this question, which I wouldn’t answer. He knew, I was him and he was me. We were from certain places of life, from scenes of the life we shared. This day was something like the judgement day. Life or death, chose the position you like the most.

“I guess you could say so.”, I gave away. We walked together along the alley. Everywhere were traces of the big ghetto. It was like a monstrous shithole. The walls were covered with graffiti baring no resembles of any known language. There were kids, who played with stones. Their eyes were gone away to that place, where we came from. Where was the hope of childhood? Had life burned it all down?

At a park bench we sat in silence, joined just by our thoughts. He knew that I had never killed anyone, but that I would kill him. I knew, that he would kill me, if he could, if I, the man behind all that decided for my personality or for his, that was the game for today. This world wasn’t real, at least that was my believe.

“When will we know…?” What did he want to hear? That I had already decided for him to disappear? That my life was much more worth, that the one he lead? I couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear, so I just laughed instead. He took it with a shake of his head.

“I knew this would be the way this game is played. I knew it all the way to this bench here, and still I let you find me in this great grave of a city. You wouldn’t have found me! I’m the shadow of yourself, slipped away, gone to find myself. But instead I found you.” This wouldn’t change anything and he knew it. He was dead, so I could live. He was the old me, I was the new one. I had a future, he had none.

“But before we close this day with your decision, let me show you around, to give you what you need to know about this world.” I shook my head.

“What for? This is your world, where I found you. That’s the truth. And you fucking know it! So don’t play me any games!”

He stood up. “Well my friend. Just follow me and keep your mouth shut!” Without any further look he walked away. So again the streets, I thought. Why did he believe that he had a chance to convince me?

This was Chicago. This was the world in the future, without any hope or any light. There were always shadows, swallowing us, as we paced along the boutiques, shops and churches. All those pedestrians, they looked a lot like me, or as I felt at least. Their eyes like coals, ready to burn away and become blind and dirty. Their lips just one stroke of unhappiness. In the end we entered a pub. It was closed, if you believed the sign in the window, but we entered anyway. The bell on the door chimed exited, but in the dark places with all those empty chairs waited just a beer for everyone and a sad story to tell. After the first glass he began to tell me, what I had to know. If I believed him, I would not like to live in this world. But I already did, that was what he did not understand. But it was useless anyway, his life would be destroyed to save mine and if we failed, we were gone forever.

“My name is Richard, like yours”. He was bad at joking and he knew it. But anyway I kept to the protocol and laughed. So his death would be easier at least for him. “My life is told in some sentences. But what is important for us, is that I did not kill anyone. Accused for murder, but still I’m innocent. It was not my fault that she wanted to die. I hadn’t burned all her hopes. It was you and you know it!”

This was unexpected. I winced at the mention of my old wife. She was dead and it was over, why did he drag it up on the light. This was not like it should be. I was the winner, he would die and I would be free!

I slammed on the table. “Watch your words!” He nodded slowly, took a big swallow from the glass. But he hold on the story, he wasn’t ready to die, without telling me, what he wanted to tell everyone. But in this world he had already lost all his power and now, as I was here, I was the only one, he could tell what was the truth. I couldn’t run away because if I did, he would win, he would get free from the spell, would left my mind, and I would die.

“On this day in December, it was so cold. She just lay there on the floor. She was dead, you could see it with one look. She wanted it this way. But I couldn’t understand, why I had done such a thing. This was long before I knew, that there was you, inside me, the twin I feared, that followed me into my dreams.”

I just drank my beer and sneered at him. I took out my cigarettes, offered him one, just to spare me his words for a moment. As he shook his head, I laughed:” You’ll die anyway…”
“Why? Why do I have to die? For you? Why?” I just stared. “That’s life.”, was all I could offer. So he took a cigarette. The bar keeper came again, served another round. He said nothing, but he was all eyes. He would tell some stories later, I was sure. Those twins in his pub, one of them died on the street, he would say. But right now he kept his mouth shut and only in the eyes I could feel his fear.

We sat on a window and as he kept on telling a story that would not save him, I just watched the day go by. People strolled along the street, lost and without any destination it seemed. Rain came, planted his fresh wet drops on the street. Wind blew the dirt over the asphalt. Here I would live, my last chance so to speak. On the other side, where I came from, where sun and life was beautiful, I had lost everything. It was my fault, that was clear. And now I would take another life, so I would not disappear into the world of death, into the emptiness. But I didn’t have a chance! My father was drunk all the time, he hit me everywhere, just to tell me that I was his son. My friends were my enemies and my life was a decease.

As he had finished I took out the weapon, lay it on the table, just to make clear, there was no chance for him. His eyes glanced at it, but I could not find any fear. He had made his decision. He was a fool.

I smashed some dollars on the timber. Next breath, I had the weapon pointed at my head. He was fast and I looked at him, without a smile. It was a game, that two could play. I had forgotten. So now it was payday.

“Well? Now you have to shoot me.”, I told him. He nodded slowly, not sure how to go on.

“Will you listen now?”, he asked. What choice did I have?


“Well. Understand… we are the same. We are us, if you get it. If you die, I die too, that is the truth. Whoever lead you to the conclusion to kill me to free you, was very clever. Maybe he was the reason, why you killed your wife and why I was ashamed to be in your mind. I’m your creativity, I would say. I’m the good part of the life, that you had. But you threw it all away. Now you have a chance. Let us live, let us walk along the right path…” A tear sat at his cheek. “Let us be friends.”

“We have no chance.” I declared.

He took a away the safety bolt.

“Think twice! I have nothing to lose, because I can’t exist alone.”

At the window stand some people. They all were big eyes and open mouths. It was the street, where everything met and they all had met each other on the end. This was life’s end, the world before death. I would lie somewhere on the other side, ready for death to take. Our minds in fight, just like it was. He was one of mine, I was a side of his. Together we were me and him.

“But how? I didn’t want to become what I became. They never gave me a chance, just hate.”

“And all those pictures in your desk, the one you kept away from them?”, he asked.

“That was you, it was art, it was creativity. Like you said. It was your side, mine is just black and dirty, mine is hate and lies.”

He shook is head. “You’ll seem not to understand. We are both the same, just in another light we stand.”

“I’m the bad twin, you’re the good one.”

He pulled me to his face, the gun still pointed at me, at the gut, to be exact. Just pull the trigger, I wished in this moment. Than I’ll die, and all those decisions will fade and never reach me again.

“The first drawing was a kid. You did it, not me. It was the kid you were, we were. I just helped you to express us. I can’t live without you. I’m your mind, the one that lives always in the past. You just tried to live on. But without anything but anger in your heart. Now take me, take us away from this rotten land”

And than he threw the gun away. I just fell apart in tears and wept. He clawed at my hand, leapt me from the stool. He ripped away my skin, like I was ripping off his, than we joined hands, our blood mixed, as we became whole again. Soon light reached into us, from the other side. Next I awoke alone in a white bed in a hospital. On the night stand was a drawing. It was my face, but when the nurse came and I asked for a mirror, I found nothing that looked like the picture. I had changed. I was me again and he was me, we were us, but from now on, we were friends, buried in our hearts.


This was inspired by the song Exploder by Audioslave. This is a story I just wanted to write. It has nothing to do with any feelings of mine. I just think, that sometimes, we are splitted into two persons. The good one and the bad one, the creative side and the suicidical side. Anyway, take this story like you want.

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