ECSTASY (english version)

Inspired by “Breadline” und „Ecstasy“ by Megadeth



Monday morning, the sun burns, life whirls and somehow all is lost. All the voices around me and still it’s only silence there. I see so much, see nothing, gaze into the light as it gets me without mercy. The screeching tires, the peoples screams , as the car is pushing me away, out of my needless life into the darkness, where my soul still screams. I hope for one second, as my body flows through eternity, my blood pumps a last time through my ateries, for rest in peace However, whats waiting on the other side, is much more worse, than the everyday wakeups, full of pain in soul and heart.

It all started some months ago at the corner of Winston, where that guy is still walking around the blocks, offering you the stuff. I’m sure, this one or that one, you see in TV, as they talk again about drug victims, was a customer of Riddler or Stone; - whatever they call themselves. Their faces are smooth and perfect 'cause they have taken away your innocence! They are smiling at you, give you the pills, after the dollar bills change the owner, and bang you are in the void like me. They are still grining, as you stroll away with the stuff in your hands, which will soon poison your venes, ready to end your life.

The time is passing on, when the night is your friend, as it’s pulling you into a world of wonders, eternity and than… yes, again there’s pain. Your sorrows crumble to thoughts without any sense, but nothing is as it seems. Your friends maybe laugh at you, leaving you behind. That girl in your class next to you hates you for that. She saw a man, a boy with a future, dreams, but now she sees only death darkening your eyes. She comes to you, smiles and than, she lifts her hand, 'cause that's all she still can do. As her hand colides with your skin, something snaps in you, tingling memories, but the key to your heart is lost. Death is playing with drugs in your venes.

I know you, I see you, I’ll get you! These are his words, as your soul is freeing itself, breaking free from all the poison and chemicals, but truth avoids you. Death has you on his list. You are just a word, a number, nothing more. Why? That’s an easy one: Your time is up!

Where are all the people, who watch you in the undergound train? Do they say anything or do they leave you alone with your madness? NO! It’s nothing of their business, nobody cares about you, it doesn’t matter if you sit there and cry. I have seen such things allready, all that happened to me too and I only can warn you. There are things, which you can’t guess. Only death is as sure as life. Don’t throw it away, just like this! Start with what you have, right now, there’s no time for rest!

There are excuses enough. Fear, doubts, weekness and the lack of bravery. But it is that stuff, which kills you, takes away what you are searching for, what you need. Nobody is listening to you, because its over my friend!

“Now or never”, says the man as he’s towering over you in the purest light, while your heart is fighting through the deathrow.
“But it’s not like that! No! No...“ Your screams are full of anger. Isn’t there anyone who can understand, how it is, as everyone kicks you, takes away your hope?

„Oh yeah“, says the weird guy, “I can.“ “I’ve felt it too. I’m a lost soul, but I want to warn you of what is waiting at the end of the battle, where the last decission awaits. Still it’s your heart which pumps in your chest, ready to dare the last step into life, but this chemical waste will destroy you!

Blood pours around you on the asphalt. Than the screams are silence.

„I’m with you, help you, urge you to a take the last chance. Be brave! But you are the guy, who has to lead. If all seems lost, if all is like thousand voices shouting in your face, than scream! Scream right from the bottom of your heart!“

„Wait, wait… that isn’t it…!“, you begin again.

„I know you won’t feel sorry!“, says the stranger, angel or guardian to the gate, where fields of dying fogret-me-nots are awaiting you. Than all stands still, the clock of your life starts winding back. You see the people leaving. But still, you will not feel sorry...



Awaking in a hopsital bed, full in white, pushed back into life, shines the sun on you. You start to search after the stranger, who has given you your life back. You have no idea what the new, fresh day offers, but you are sure, an angel heard your pleadings.

Days pass on, pain comes back. However, nobody fights down your power of life. May they see what you can do!

After a month of refreshment, new plans and first success, you see the girl besides you in the train. You smile at her, she smiles back and you know, this means luck.

“I’m rid of it.”, you say and she nods. “I have prayed...”, she tells you, as you understand, it was her guardian angel, who she send to bring you back. All that comes together, as lucks hands are holding you peacefull. With a kiss on her lipps, the glimmering in her eyes, you start to trust again.

Death is flattened, as there where you had to die, a note awaits him. You see it in a dream and get the message. “YOU LOST!” is written on the paper.

THE CAMERA

Hanging out on the street with a face full of tears, she held the package. She was standing in the rain, on a stormy Monday, in a world full pain. She was a guardian, but there was nothing she could protect, nobody she could care for. She was alone with her tears, and as she opened the package, she overcame the fears, the memories, and those glimpses of a hateful past. She had nothing to lose, so she took out the camera and began to walk along the buildings, took glimpses of lives, to see what was left.

The first one was an innocent child, hiding in the dark. She saw the lonely eyes and as she stepped closer, she could not take her eyes of the broken body. There were scars all over the child, bruises and blood and all that little boy could say, was “Please, not again...” She shot the picture, and as she did, she felt the pain. She understood what was happening to the boy, every day all this pain. His dad was beating him, because he was a child, His friends were chasing him, because he was the child of a poor family, the loser, the punching ball for everyone. With the picture in the camera, the boy began to become what I a child should be. He was smiling, maybe for the first time. But she felt still the pain and as he ran away, he was free and she had lost another life.

But the journey wasn’t over. She struggled to go on. Why all this pain? There was a letter, which she hadn’t cared for to read. She sat down on a bench at a bus top, shielded from the rain. Dear my guardian angel. As I call for you, it’s not for me, it’s for the others. I have no pleasure to live in this world anymore. But I want you to take my camera and do my work. Walk along the street, into the ghettos and see what I saw day for day. Than tell me, where is God and what is an Angel, if there is no hope, only pain? I DON’T BELIEVE IN ANYTHING ANYMORE!

That was all. If she still had some tears, she wept now, from the bottom of her heart. What life must that be? Beaten as a child with no hope, no sunshine, only darkness and fear.

The street was lonely, only the clouds, which spat rain. Angels were no more guardians; they were lost, as humans. There was no chance, to help, when madness ruled the world. But this last will she had to accept it.

So she stood up and walked on. Later she found a dog, shot, blood mixed with rain. His eyes were lonely. She sat at his side, stroke his wet fur, tried to comfort him. He seemed to find peace, if there was such a state for a dog. As his last moment came, she took a shot. It was his eyes, which were digging at her heart. Again there was pain, like she had seen with the boy. But this time, there was also hate.

And now she felt hate. She was running now. At the corner, there was standing an old man. He was calling her: “Lady, just a penny, for an old guy like me.” She stopped, she took the camera out, shot him, felt the spit in her face, like he had felt, craved for alcohol, like he was doing now and understood, you could try to drown in yourself, if you were alone and all were hating you.

She gave him what she had. And she was glad, because he lived, he smiled. Even as she knew, he would just get more whiskey and beer to drown what was left and some days later he would begging again.

Still the anger was rising in her. She now just ran and shot, picture for picture. A girl, she was beaten and abused? Why, nobody cared, is no question, just a fact. An old woman, she just was ill, but nobody was helping her to get better. A black guy with a shotgun and a white boy with a pistol, just some shooting, nothing new, just realism, you know!

Always just pain, just hate! People, we hate, we are the haters, not the believers.

As she was taking a break, catching some breath, she took a glimpse of a TV in a television and video shop. There was again only pain, only realism. Blood was thicker than water, but it seemed, the world was flowing in blood not on water.

The last shot was the one of herself. She was standing on a hill, looking down on the big city, on the world of sorrow. And as she took the shot, she was dying, because of all our pain and sorrow.

On this hill, the Hill of the Fallen Angel, there is still the package. Tonight is another night, another chance to take some shots. But who likes to see always the same again and again?

THE GUITARMAN

You see him on the street, his long hair, his black jeans, the boots and everything seems to say: "I have seen the devil, trust me on this." I can't do anything about it, as I follow his music, his gentle guitar music, that sweeps around my heart. I see him in the motel, every night on the road, see him playing alone in the room, where faces have been. Where people maybe thought about love, about suicide, where was cut the last line fo life in a cheap bathroom, dying thoughts and letters with words, so cruel. He was singing them now.

But what do I know, haven't been on the road for a while. I'm a stranger in a strange land, he sings and I want to follow him there to this land, he sings about.

The fingers are crawling over the throut of the guitar, like spiders, fast, as he let the instrument cry. I knew, he was going to die, he wanted it so bad and I just could stand there, weep, as he was telling his story. It was full of miracles, full of dreams, where all was somehow so grotesque, that you hoped, there wouldn't just gleam the truth, the one, that you couldn't deny!

"In my arms was just the fate, a cruel thing, that stabbed me in the back, as I was lying there on the bed, seeing the faces of my sisters, which died long ago." His words, so soft, like the last breath he was describing. To that he let the melody hessitate, trying to flow into a darker mood. I had no choice, as to listen until the end.

"Rain was knocking at the window, my heart was crying, as I saw this guitar. I looked at the blackness of the instrument and than I just grabbed it, drew it to my heart and started to play. I have seen the devil in that night, but I wasn't afraid. He told me about a deal, I just had made. Playing forever, or dying in an instant. But I couldn't stop playing and so I became the guitar man."

It was fascinating. His lyrcis where no lyrics at all. It was a story and he sung it, to the whisper of the guitar, to every note that was bleeding into the late day. As the sun was going down, I knew, he was insane. But does this mean, he was telling lies?

His eyes where so black, like opals, but he was seeing me, as I stood there. He looked at me, and it was like a mirror, a picture of myself, what I wanted to be, what I had to become, to save my life. I knew, that I was destined for palying this guitar, for becoming a legend of my own. I whispered: "Let me play that damn thing." He laughed, and the solo he played to this sounded like broken glass. It was disgusting, it was like thousand gods and demons where making fun of me. But I was earnest, I wanted to be a giutar slayer, I knew it now.

And now you see me standing there, playing on and on. Every day, every night, telling you this story. Do you hear me? I was the one, I'm telling about, I'm singing about and you will be the next. I knew it as you came closer, as the sound was drawing you near to me. Just one solo, and than you will play, right?

-the end-

LOOKING FOR AN ANGEL

Well... let us just stay here in this place, in the air, looking away, into the world, into your dreams. Let me say, you are an angel, underneath all your broken silence, all those glimpses you give, all those words you'll never say. For me it's time to go, from this world, but you will stay. Please forgive me, I was a sinner, and now I have to go away. I'm looking up into the clouds, searching for angel, looking for someone, who wants to love me, just one time, just one kiss. But this world is like the one, I will run to, as my soul fades away. There is nothing, only dreams, that you keep all your life. You crave for something like a paradise, but the truth is, that it hides in your heart, right from the start, as you walk your first steps, as you become who you are. I never understood this system, never wanted it to be true. Now I have to go, looking for an angel. I know, you will forget me, that's how time is. It makes us fading away, and we can't resist.

So let me look, up in the air. Let me see, that there is someone, somewhere. I keep looking and you know, now that I go, that when you look up in the air, it's me, your angel, watching over you. There will be someone for you in this place, up in the air, somewhere...

I come abord on this lonely train, keep my eyes centered on the clouds, as I sit next to the window. I look up, but I know, it's a lonely place I have to go. I always hoped for the best, but as you do your failures in your way of life, you know there will be no one, nothing, that awaits. But now, as I go, my loved one, I will wait there for you. As long as you look up in the clouds you will feel, I'm there for you. I will not go!

I always take you in my heart, as I hope you will do the same. Life seems to be a game, day for day, on and on. But we have so many choices to chose from, and we always seem to take nothing else, but the fastest. In my life, I have seen so many places, but never felt at home. But when you will have to go, up to this place, you don't have to look for an angel, because I'm there, I will wait.

Death is not the end, but it's not the start of something new either. So do your best on this world, get ready for the other one up in the clouds. Paradise is just synonym for easy lies, because in our lives and death we have to earn our place, we have to work and have to chose and always will wish, it wasn't the worst. I know from deep of the bottom of my lonely heart, that I can't go, just like this. Take the train into the tunnel, where everything goes, that ceases to exist. But it's the way of life. After darknes, like night and day, will follow light. After rain comes the sun, I will wait for you there. I wish you could come with me, now and we could be together, always. But this wasn't meant to be. We had to go our lives. Mine ended as I chose to stick with the devil, just for one evening. Yours is still open, full of possibilities and whenever you seem to chose the false direction, I will come into your mind, kiss you, and treat you right. Will show you what is best for you. Nobody guided me through this world. For this, there is a family. But I was a lonely soul, nobody looked after me. Even you ignored me. But now, that I entered the train, I can hear you all talk on my grave. But not you, my angel, my love. You are staying there in silence. Drops of sorrow under your eyes. So take my advice. Never let go your hope. It was my false choice. It shouldn't be yours.

I'll wait. So keep looking into the air, for an angel. I will be there...

SHIZO

I met a man in the street, locked away for things he hadn’t done. He was innocent and young, looked a lot like me. So I followed him into the streets and as he ran, I kept on his heels. I can’t say why and for how long, but I felt it, it was so strong. He was me and I was him, he thought like me, and my guesses were his. There was a link between us, it drew me to him, which let me follow him, through the darkness of the city, into the madness that we discovered.

The city was a bulk of big fat stones, thrown into the land, and we were the mice, that fled through the labyrinth. At a corner he was catching his breath and as I stepped closer, his eyes searched mine. For what, I don’t know, but I guess he hadn’t found what he was looking for. He shook his head, spat at the ground and waited what I had to say. Myself short of breath, from the running, just kept silent. In the end it was him, who spoke first.

“So you found me?” Just like that. There was no name, no introduction. Just this question, which I wouldn’t answer. He knew, I was him and he was me. We were from certain places of life, from scenes of the life we shared. This day was something like the judgement day. Life or death, chose the position you like the most.

“I guess you could say so.”, I gave away. We walked together along the alley. Everywhere were traces of the big ghetto. It was like a monstrous shithole. The walls were covered with graffiti baring no resembles of any known language. There were kids, who played with stones. Their eyes were gone away to that place, where we came from. Where was the hope of childhood? Had life burned it all down?

At a park bench we sat in silence, joined just by our thoughts. He knew that I had never killed anyone, but that I would kill him. I knew, that he would kill me, if he could, if I, the man behind all that decided for my personality or for his, that was the game for today. This world wasn’t real, at least that was my believe.

“When will we know…?” What did he want to hear? That I had already decided for him to disappear? That my life was much more worth, that the one he lead? I couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear, so I just laughed instead. He took it with a shake of his head.

“I knew this would be the way this game is played. I knew it all the way to this bench here, and still I let you find me in this great grave of a city. You wouldn’t have found me! I’m the shadow of yourself, slipped away, gone to find myself. But instead I found you.” This wouldn’t change anything and he knew it. He was dead, so I could live. He was the old me, I was the new one. I had a future, he had none.

“But before we close this day with your decision, let me show you around, to give you what you need to know about this world.” I shook my head.

“What for? This is your world, where I found you. That’s the truth. And you fucking know it! So don’t play me any games!”

He stood up. “Well my friend. Just follow me and keep your mouth shut!” Without any further look he walked away. So again the streets, I thought. Why did he believe that he had a chance to convince me?

This was Chicago. This was the world in the future, without any hope or any light. There were always shadows, swallowing us, as we paced along the boutiques, shops and churches. All those pedestrians, they looked a lot like me, or as I felt at least. Their eyes like coals, ready to burn away and become blind and dirty. Their lips just one stroke of unhappiness. In the end we entered a pub. It was closed, if you believed the sign in the window, but we entered anyway. The bell on the door chimed exited, but in the dark places with all those empty chairs waited just a beer for everyone and a sad story to tell. After the first glass he began to tell me, what I had to know. If I believed him, I would not like to live in this world. But I already did, that was what he did not understand. But it was useless anyway, his life would be destroyed to save mine and if we failed, we were gone forever.

“My name is Richard, like yours”. He was bad at joking and he knew it. But anyway I kept to the protocol and laughed. So his death would be easier at least for him. “My life is told in some sentences. But what is important for us, is that I did not kill anyone. Accused for murder, but still I’m innocent. It was not my fault that she wanted to die. I hadn’t burned all her hopes. It was you and you know it!”

This was unexpected. I winced at the mention of my old wife. She was dead and it was over, why did he drag it up on the light. This was not like it should be. I was the winner, he would die and I would be free!

I slammed on the table. “Watch your words!” He nodded slowly, took a big swallow from the glass. But he hold on the story, he wasn’t ready to die, without telling me, what he wanted to tell everyone. But in this world he had already lost all his power and now, as I was here, I was the only one, he could tell what was the truth. I couldn’t run away because if I did, he would win, he would get free from the spell, would left my mind, and I would die.

“On this day in December, it was so cold. She just lay there on the floor. She was dead, you could see it with one look. She wanted it this way. But I couldn’t understand, why I had done such a thing. This was long before I knew, that there was you, inside me, the twin I feared, that followed me into my dreams.”

I just drank my beer and sneered at him. I took out my cigarettes, offered him one, just to spare me his words for a moment. As he shook his head, I laughed:” You’ll die anyway…”
“Why? Why do I have to die? For you? Why?” I just stared. “That’s life.”, was all I could offer. So he took a cigarette. The bar keeper came again, served another round. He said nothing, but he was all eyes. He would tell some stories later, I was sure. Those twins in his pub, one of them died on the street, he would say. But right now he kept his mouth shut and only in the eyes I could feel his fear.

We sat on a window and as he kept on telling a story that would not save him, I just watched the day go by. People strolled along the street, lost and without any destination it seemed. Rain came, planted his fresh wet drops on the street. Wind blew the dirt over the asphalt. Here I would live, my last chance so to speak. On the other side, where I came from, where sun and life was beautiful, I had lost everything. It was my fault, that was clear. And now I would take another life, so I would not disappear into the world of death, into the emptiness. But I didn’t have a chance! My father was drunk all the time, he hit me everywhere, just to tell me that I was his son. My friends were my enemies and my life was a decease.

As he had finished I took out the weapon, lay it on the table, just to make clear, there was no chance for him. His eyes glanced at it, but I could not find any fear. He had made his decision. He was a fool.

I smashed some dollars on the timber. Next breath, I had the weapon pointed at my head. He was fast and I looked at him, without a smile. It was a game, that two could play. I had forgotten. So now it was payday.

“Well? Now you have to shoot me.”, I told him. He nodded slowly, not sure how to go on.

“Will you listen now?”, he asked. What choice did I have?

“Sure.”

“Well. Understand… we are the same. We are us, if you get it. If you die, I die too, that is the truth. Whoever lead you to the conclusion to kill me to free you, was very clever. Maybe he was the reason, why you killed your wife and why I was ashamed to be in your mind. I’m your creativity, I would say. I’m the good part of the life, that you had. But you threw it all away. Now you have a chance. Let us live, let us walk along the right path…” A tear sat at his cheek. “Let us be friends.”

“We have no chance.” I declared.

He took a away the safety bolt.

“Think twice! I have nothing to lose, because I can’t exist alone.”

At the window stand some people. They all were big eyes and open mouths. It was the street, where everything met and they all had met each other on the end. This was life’s end, the world before death. I would lie somewhere on the other side, ready for death to take. Our minds in fight, just like it was. He was one of mine, I was a side of his. Together we were me and him.

“But how? I didn’t want to become what I became. They never gave me a chance, just hate.”

“And all those pictures in your desk, the one you kept away from them?”, he asked.

“That was you, it was art, it was creativity. Like you said. It was your side, mine is just black and dirty, mine is hate and lies.”

He shook is head. “You’ll seem not to understand. We are both the same, just in another light we stand.”

“I’m the bad twin, you’re the good one.”

He pulled me to his face, the gun still pointed at me, at the gut, to be exact. Just pull the trigger, I wished in this moment. Than I’ll die, and all those decisions will fade and never reach me again.

“The first drawing was a kid. You did it, not me. It was the kid you were, we were. I just helped you to express us. I can’t live without you. I’m your mind, the one that lives always in the past. You just tried to live on. But without anything but anger in your heart. Now take me, take us away from this rotten land”

And than he threw the gun away. I just fell apart in tears and wept. He clawed at my hand, leapt me from the stool. He ripped away my skin, like I was ripping off his, than we joined hands, our blood mixed, as we became whole again. Soon light reached into us, from the other side. Next I awoke alone in a white bed in a hospital. On the night stand was a drawing. It was my face, but when the nurse came and I asked for a mirror, I found nothing that looked like the picture. I had changed. I was me again and he was me, we were us, but from now on, we were friends, buried in our hearts.





Afterword

This was inspired by the song Exploder by Audioslave. This is a story I just wanted to write. It has nothing to do with any feelings of mine. I just think, that sometimes, we are splitted into two persons. The good one and the bad one, the creative side and the suicidical side. Anyway, take this story like you want.